CRAZY LIFE!

Sorry it has been so long since i have updated you. Lots of stuff has been going on i dont even know where to start there is so much on my mind...........Have been sick on and off for the past month. Its really is starting to piss me off! i am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The other day my mom and Grandma came to visit and my mom kept asking if i was "ok" I kept saying yes mom im just tired, i was feeling like crap. My mom had a really tough time with it, she even called later and asked are you sure you "ok". I said why because i looked like shit today, i feel like shit. The day got worse my body hurt so bad that i couldnt get off the couch my body hurt so bad. I was counting down the mins for Eric to get home and play with Ari. I feel like im failing as a mother when these days happen. Not only that but also failing as a wife.

Eric has enough on his plate. I can't imagine coming home to a sick wife all the time and unclean house, having to make dinner for the family because your wife has to go to bed. Or how about leaving work several times to bring your wife to the ER. How about waking up at all hours of the night because your wife cant stop coughing and its interrupting your sleep. Or that you cant go certain places of fear that your wife will get sick. Or massaging her body, not to have sex (yes i went there) but because it is causing so much pain. This is the horrible Cystic Fibrosis that WE live with everyday. I LOATHE YOU CF!! This is what my AMAZING Husband has to go through almost everyday! Dont get me wrong there are good days too, but they have been few and far between. This is what true love is, this is the man that i waited for all my life. Women i hope your husbands are as good,I say "as good" because i know they are not better! ha.

Now his plate the last month not including Ari and I. Both are cars took shits. Eric's is now fixed. Mine is still broke and was quoted 2000 bucks to fix. Currently my wonderful grandma is letting me use her car. Our AC has been on and off broken the last 3 weeks and will finally be fixed tomorrow morning. I have been to the ER 3 times Urgent care 1 time, Hospital for 2 days.  I am no longer bring home any kind of income which hurts us financially. We have tons of medical bills coming in. Hurley our dog that we gave to my mom, was hit by a car on Hwy 12 and died. My mom fell apart. Eric was really sad. It has been a very difficult month to say the least. I can only pray that it gets better, and there is something Wonderful around the corner.

This is the part where my faith becomes stronger in God because i know he is the only one that is getting us through all of this. I dont know if anyone else has had this feeling but you know when you dont do something you know you should and a voices is telling you to do it, but you are to scared of nervous or dont have time. It's GOD! and i know that but sometimes i ignore it. which i shouldnt. Well today i had a PFT done at North Memorial Hospital and on my way out i passed this room that said CHAPEL open 24hours. All of the sudden a voice saying turn around go in. Im waiting for you!! I was nervous and scared i made a u-turn in the busy hall and went in. as i turned around i felt a sense of relief. then thought oh no what if other people are in there? the voice-does it matter they are here for the same reasons. RIGHT. I went in it was very small at the alter was a prayer request sheet. I sat down and filled it out. It was about half a page long and knew i could easily fill it up so i did, then i prayed about everything else i couldn't fit on the sheet. I pray every night but for some reason this automatically gave me a sense of relief. Like God heard me 100 times more than if i pray in bed. It was AMAZING!

Strength

A strong woman works out every day
to keep her body in shape
but a woman of strength looks deep inside
to keep her soul in shape

A strong woman isn't afraid
of anything
but a woman of strength shows courage
in the midst of her fear

A strong woman won't let anyone
get the best of her
but a woman of strength gives the best
of her to everyone

A strong woman makes mistakes
and avoids the same in the future
but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes
can also be blessings and capitalizes on them

A strong woman walks
sure footedly
but a woman of strength knows
when to ask for help

A strong woman wears the look
of confidence on her face
but a woman of strength
wears grace

A strong woman has faith
that she is strong enough for the journey
but a woman of strength has faith
that it is in the journey that she will become strong

Being strong and having strength has been coming up a lot lately in my life, I think this poem i found online fits well. Before i got sick a girlfriend and I were talking about our friends and all the stuff as a woman a wife and a mother you go through and how strong you become. God deals you hands that you think are unbearable  and tough, but yet he only gives it to you because you can handle it. I feel that this has been my entire life. like god is using me in mysterious ways that i definitely don't understand, later when i look back on the obstacles that i have over come, i really appreciate what he has taught me and others through my trials. It is becoming harder and harder to keep my head up about things. I feel we can't catch a break if its not one thing its another. I can feel something good around the corner and i know its going to be amazing but i am so scarred of what it is, with everything i do there is always something to follow. I know that its Gods way of keeping things in line for me and not allowing me to forget what i have been through. and never wanting to go back to those dark places, but realizing if it wasn't for those dark places i wouldn't know how truly blessed I am. My husband by far is the most amazing, dedicated man/father i have ever met. He is my rock through all of this if it wasn't for him and my beautiful baby girl, I might have already given up on this fight. BUT I am strong and have strength and they need me and I need them. So the fight is on!!

2nd time in ER in 1 week=Hospital :(

Thursday evening my temp would not come down. Ugh it was 102.4-103.9 so i started to panic while Eric was on the phone with the ER nurse. i called Eric parents and they came down. we didnt wait for them we didn't have time, Eric had one of our neighbors come and hang out until Eric parents got there. 

We got to the ER at 11pm was taken back at midnight or so and they ended up putting me the hospital. They had taken x-rays and there was the start of pneumonia. I was like are you sure??? only because i just got of antibiotics last week Thursday. Well they reminded me that with my Cystic Fibrosis and being exposed to Eric's Flu can turn into pneumonia because ,my lungs and body cant handle all of that. Wait cant handle??? I thought i was SUPER WOMAN! haha not quite. Eric went home to relieve his parents while i waited in ER until 3:45am to get into a hospital room i was there so long that they even started an IV antibiotic. Got to bed around 4:15 i was so tired i could barely keep my eyes open to tell the lady my info and answer a million questions for her. I was at Fairview Southdale and was actually very pleased with the nurses granted i was on 8th floor Cancer Floor/ Overflow ER but any time i pushed my button someone was there to help. I got out this morning i was feeling surprisingly good. It helped getting a text at 4 something in the morning from my bro jesse saying that they had a BABY GIRL!!!!!!! Crazy i thought for sure they would have a boy. Super happy for them!! Charity had a long rough labor but is hanging in there. Currently on 2 antibiotics again and will stop one of them Mon or Tues when i talk to my primary doc.they have to wait to see what my sputum culture up. 

Eric and Ari picked me up at the hospital doors and i got to come home. AAHHHHH such a good feeling. Nothing beats my 2 loves. It was so good seeing them and hugging them knowing i wasnt passing on any germs. Its so hard being away from both of them.

I have so much to talk about but will have to wait til later. I need to enjoy my evening with Eric and get more sleep.